Home for Christmas
by Sophia Bee
Summary: Blair Waldorf Bass returns to New York City for Christmas. Dair. Dorota is awesome as always. One shot.


No one noticed Blair Waldorf's return. There was no Gossip Girl to broadcast her arrival in front of the penthouse. No one to snap a picture on their phone as she pulled her carry-on suitcase out the taxi. No one to wonder what had brought Chuck Bass' wife back to the city. No one to notice that she was alone.

She was coming home. Or at least to the place that had always been closest. New York City, the Upper East Side, the penthouse. It was the only place she really had left.

She'd asked Dorota to get the biggest tree but as Blair sat on the uncomfortable and small antique couch favored by her mother, she thought maybe her devoted maid had overcompensated. The gigantic fir rose almost to touch their very high ceilings and filled the room with its scent. It was covered in ornaments: delicate bulbs that caught the light and shone brightly, blown glass ornaments in bright colors, covered with sparkles, collected by her mother from all the places she traveled while Blair was in school, only getting an occasional postcard, white lights twinkling warmly. Here and there, tucked in the dark green branches, Blair could see paste and paper ornaments she'd made through the years in school, the kind her mother would never let grace the tree, and she knew that Dorota had squirreled them away, waiting for the day when the tree could start to become an actual reflection of the people who lived there.

Blair heaved a sigh. The snow was falling thick outside and the city was in full-blown Christmas mode. The storefront were decorated and children lined up to see Santa with visions of toys and candy filling their eyes. Couples ice skated in Central Park, their hands holding onto each other tightly as they dreamed of their future. The whole world bubbled over with joy and cheer, yet her heart was heavier than it had ever felt.

He had skyped her the day before, chattering a mile a minute and asking why she wasn't there, and Blair felt her heart breaking into a million pieces. How could she tell Henry that his father had dictated this as part of her quest to gain her freedom. Christmas would be with papa, not with his mother, not in New York. There would be no Christmas morning, not presents, no dinner prepared by Dorota with all the love she put into everything. It would just be Blair, some food left in the fridge, maybe a movie with the rest of the lonely travelers of the world who had no family to spend the day with. Blair had blinked back the tears and told Henry she loved him more than anything, and that they would see each other soon. Someday she would find a way to tell him that she did what she thought was best for all of them. She could not be a good mother to him if she was trapped endlessly in a loveless marriage.

"Miss Blair?"

Dorota peeked around the corner, her voice a little hesitant to disrupt Blair's silent contemplation. Blair looked up and managed to smile. Dorota had her coat on and had wrapped her scarf around her neck. She was about to leave for the day and would be back after Christmas.

"Yes,Dorota?"

She would never have someone else in her life who loved her life Dorota. She was the closest to a mother that Blair had. Her own mother was somewhere in the Greek Islands, telling Blair that New York was dreadfully cold when Blair asked if she might be coming home. Blair didn't tell her mom that she'd be leaving Chuck. All she would receive would be condemnation, and all she wanted was someone to tell her it would be okay. Her mother had never been able to tell her any of that, but Dorota was the one who let her cry on her shoulder when she arrived at the penthouse with just her carry on and not her son.

"Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, Miss Blair. You come home with me? Vanye is cooking traditional Polish dish."

Blair smiled again, this time is was not so forced. Sweet Dorota, always worried about her.

"I'll be okay Dorota. I promise."

Her days of teenage dramatics were over, and she felt sorry for how much she had worried Dorota in the past. This was the end of a marriage, not some high school breakup. There wouldn't be long diary entries and empty threats. They were grownups and Blair would just spend a lonely Christmas Eve and Christmas day, and their lawyers would toast to their good health and their own Christmas surprise: Waldorf-Bass divorce didn't come along every day.

"Call me if you want, Miss Blair," Dorota said sincerely.

"Oh Dorota," Blair stood up from where she'd been sitting and walked over to her maid and threw her arms around her, Blair's port in the storm that her life had become. She felt Dorota's arms come around her back and hold her just as tightly. They stood there for a moment then Blair pulled away. "I promise I will. I promise."

And with the sliding shut of the elevator doors, Blair was left alone. Finally, the tears came and she was sad that tears would be what she had this Christmas. Tears and deep sadness over what her life had become.

Chuck had asked her why when she told him she was leaving. It was in the moments after she'd broken the news to him, when all he had was shock, and the anger hadn't set in. There would be a lot of meanness after that, in the way that only Chuck Bass could deliver. Underneath all of his poise and bravado, Blair knew he was really a broken little boy who just wanted to be loved, and when someone threatened that, he would destroy them. He needed her love to feel okay and when she told him she was going to take that away from him, she became the enemy. It was a method of survival for Chuck Bass, so when the threats started, when the manipulations began, none of it surprised Blair. She knew him, after all. They had been married for five years and she knew him in many ways better than he knew himself.

That question, that inquiry as to why his wife had suddenly decided to end their marriage, to allow their son to become a child of divorce, was the one and only genuine inquiry Chuck would make as to her motivations. After that it would become all about trying to stop her or punish her, but in that moment, when he was laid out bare simply out of the sheer surprise, Blair had been able to answer in the most genuine way.

"I don't love you."

It wasn't that she'd never loved him. A long time ago she really had. A long time ago she had thought it was Chuck Bass she'd wanted to spend the rest of her life with. But that was a long time ago, long before she decided she would marry him. She was slow to realize that somewhere in their journey together, she'd fallen out of love with him. After Henry was born and she was feeling out of sorts and looking at her life in the way having a tiny baby in your arms pushes you to do, her reckoning arrived and she started to understand that her life would not be with her husband. She was going to leave him.

I don't love you was the simplest explanation she could offer. It was much more complex than that. It involved someone who she just couldn't get out of her head, who had made her heart ache to the point of physical pain whenever she thought of him for a long time after she made her decision it would be Chuck. It involved her own determination to live out her teenage dream and not see what was in front of her. It hadn't taken long for Blair to realize that she didn't just regret what happened with Dan, she missed him. After that had come acceptance, that she'd made her decision and her life would be with Chuck. She lived with that for years until one day she could no longer pretend that she could go on like this and decided it was time to walk away. By then Dan Humphrey had become one of the things on her long list of regrets about her life and an occasional dream that left her with tears on her cheeks when she woke from it.

So here she was. Christmas alone with her regrets and nothing else. At least the tree was beautiful. At least she had Dorota.

Blair sighed and thought about going upstairs to get ready for bed. Even though she'd arrived this morning, she knew that Dorota would have unpacked all her clothes, laid out her favorite night gown, left a glass of water on the night stand. She was about to get up when she heard the elevator doors slide open. Dorota must have forgotten something. At least that's what she thought until she heard a familiar voice call out.

"Hello? Dorota?"

Blair froze. She knew that voice with it's husky timbre and undernote of laughter. Her mouth fell open in surprise.

"Dorota?"

The person who the voice belonged to appeared in the entryway to the living room, his arms full of greens, his brown eyes peering over them then widening in surprise.

"Hi Dan," Blair said with more composure than she actually felt.

"Blair!"

"You look surprised to see me," Blair said, almost wincing because it was such a stupid thing to say, a bad line out of a B movie. They hadn't seen each other in years and now here she was sitting in the penthouse out of the blue. Wait, actually, why was Dan Humphrey standing in Blair's penthouse with a handful of greens.

"But, um, what are you doing here?"

"Dorota called me," Dan stammered somewhat ungracefully. "She said she had forgotten to get these for her decorating, asked if I could help."

"And why did Dorota call you?" Blair asked. Dan rolled his eyes at her inquiry.

"We're friends, Blair. You've been in Europe with your family and Dorota and I have become friends. I help her out from time to time."

"So she called you?"

"Yeah, on her way home. Said she wanted the place to look nice for the arrival of the Waldorf family. I thought she meant Eleanor and I didn't want her to have to come back into the city. I didn't know it would be you..."

Blair smiled. Dorota was making sure she wasn't alone, but really. Dan? Didn't her maid remember how things had ended. Didn't she think that Dan would be the last person Blair would want to see. Or maybe...maybe she thought he might be the one person Blair would want to see in the entire world. Blair felt her heart clench a little.

"Well," Dan said, pausing awkwardly as if he realized that they were chatting away like old friends and not like people who had hurt each other in a lot of different ways. "I'll just leave these for Dorota. Say 'hi' to Chuck for me." He turned to go.

Blair just watched him as he started to walk away, not really knowing what to say. It would be easy to just tell him she would pass word along, but it would be a lie. She would not be saying 'hi' to Chuck for him. She wouldn't be saying anything to Chuck without a lawyer in the room. She took a deep breath and decided to go with the truth.

"I don't talk to Chuck much these days."

Dan stopped then turned back to her. He couldn't hide the surprised look that crossed his face.

"Um, you're not with Chuck?"

Blair saw a strange look of hope cross his face, so similar to the look he'd given her years ago when she'd arrived at his loft to tell him that she and Chuck were done, that there was someone else, that it was him. That look was followed by a smile because he knew that she'd chosen him. This look was fleeting. There for a moment and then it was gone. Blair swallowed and the truth kept coming, bubbling up from somewhere deep inside. It wasn't just that she wanted him to know, it was also that it felt good to be able to finally say all of this to someone.

"I left him. Two months ago."

"Shit," Dan muttered almost to himself. "I mean, congratulations...um, not really congratulations, but holy shit." He shook his head, like shaking off a bad dream, "I didn't see that coming."

"You've been through this, right?" Blair asked, not wanting to breach the topic of Serena. She'd heard about the divorce a couple years ago, a mention in a conversation with Eleanor full of the latest Upper East Side Gossip. It had made her sad because she wanted one of them to have made the right choice. She wanted to think that at least Dan was happy.

"Yeah," Dan said, his mouth twisting a little. "it was bad, it got better, we don't really speak to each other anymore."

They stared at each other in silence, neither really knowing what to say next, Blair feeling awkward and strange at this new turn of events, and also wanting to kill Dorota for interfering in what should be a perfectly depressing holiday. She would have been okay alone.

"Well…" Blair finally said, her voice sounding a little off kilter.

"Well," Dan answered back, his hands shoved in the pockets of his coat, shifting his weight a little, "the greens are by the elevator."

"I'll tell Dorota," Blair said politely.

"Thanks," Dan answered, "and, uh...well...have a good Christmas."

Blair smiled one of her practiced smiles that effectively disguised the fact that her insides were going crazy. Dan turned to leave once again and she started a quick mental debate on what she really wanted. Did she really want to be left alone again? Did she want him to stay? If she wanted him to stay, what would that accomplish? What would it mean? And in the middle of this Blair realized that no matter what, she was going to be alone for the next few days, and if she could delay that just a little longer…. She stood up from the couch and called out his name.

"Dan?"

She was walking towards the foyer and could see him stop at the sound of her voice, his shoulders looking stiff and tense and for a moment he didn't turn around until he did and she saw some of the truth he'd been hiding on his face. He looked hurt.

"Yeah Blair?"

She took a deep breath.

"Would you mind...I mean, could you just stay here for a little while? I can fix us some drinks. We can talk. I'm going to be alone and it would be nice…."

"I don't know Blair...I really don't know if it's a good idea."

Her heart sank.

"You probably have other things to do. Someone to go home to. And you're right. It's not a good idea."

She sounded pathetic. She felt pathetic. Dan stared at her a little longer then his shoulders relaxed and he stepped towards her.

"Just the empty loft. I have a deadline but I could push it out a little."

He was going to stay.

Blair smiled. She padded towards the bar that was kept fully stocked for when Cyrus and Eleanor blew into town for a few weeks. Dan shrugged off his coat and dropped it on a chair in the living room. She returned with two hot toddies, and they sat on the couch together, Blair tucking her feet under herself, Dan sprawled out, and it reminded her of the loft, ages ago, the way they would sit together listening to the traffic below, not saying anything.

They talked. Dan telling her stories about the literary world and his next book. Blair telling him about Henry, about how much she missed him.

"I'm glad we didn't have kids," Dan said, sipping his drink.

"We?" Blair asked.

"Me and Serena. It would have made things so much more complicated. We never would have been able to have a clean break, and we needed it."

"It was bad?" Blair grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and gazed out the window, not wanting to look at Dan, not wanting to think about the choices they'd both made years ago.

"It wasn't good. I mean, divorce is never good, but it wasn't one of those good divorces either."

He was staring out the window too, looking out into the darkness, and they both were quiet for a long moment. Finally Dan cleared his throat and started talking, his voice wavering a little.

"You know, getting married was what I thought I wanted. Serena. That life. But I was wrong. I think...I think I was running away from something and I didn't realize that for a long time. Then when I did, I couldn't stay with her anymore. She still hates me because for her it was real. For her I was everything. I really hurt her and I regret that every day."

Blair couldn't breathe.

"What were you running away from?"

Dan didn't answer, just continued to stare out the window.

"It's a terrible thing when you realize that you don't love someone enough." he finally said, and Blair wondered if he'd heard her question or if he just didn't want to answer it.

"I know how you feel," she said softly. "Chuck...I haven't loved him for a long time. Maybe...maybe as long as we've been married."

It was her confession. Her apology. She had been wrong, even all those years ago. Dan turned to face her, his face serious and she could tell by the look on his face that he understand she was talking about something bigger than their mutual failed marriages.

"Then why?" Dan asked, his voice sounding tight and hurt, "Why did you go to him? All those years ago, why did you choose him?"

It was a question she'd asked herself a million times over the years and the answers never rang true. She was young. She was scared. She was pretending to be in a fairy tale. She only cared about the happy ending. But ultimately she knew the real reason she left Dan and returned to Chuck.

"I was scared." Blair whispered, her eyes not leaving his face, "You told me I was enough, you told me that I could do anything, but I never believed it. I was scared to change my internal narrative, to turn to you and turn away from everything I'd told myself about who I was for all those years. I was scared to be loved as much as you loved me."

She feels tears on her cheeks and a sob wells up, but she doesn't stop talking, because this has been locked inside for too long and now that she can finally say it, she can't stop.

"I was wrong. I was so wrong. And when I realized what I'd done..." the sob finally breaks through and Blair feels as if she's cracking apart. "Oh Dan…"

She doubles over, sadness overwhelming her, and she feels his arms coming around her, crushing to his chest, and she thinks he smells just the same he did before, and his lips are kissing the top of her head and he's whispering something she can't understand, and she lets the tears flow, soaking his soft flannel shirt, as she tells him she's sorry over and over again.

"Blair…"

She pulls back to look up at him and he dips his head down and captures her mouth with his, and everything she's been holding back, all the pain and sorrow, all the anger, everything goes into kissing him back, and it's like she wants to devour him. He pulls away and she leans forward, wanting his mouth back on hers, hating any space between them, but she stops when she sees that his eyes are glassy with tears and his cheeks are wet.

"I have never stopped loving you," Dan said softly, holding her face between his hands, kissing her cheek then her other cheek, kissing her forehead, the tip of her nose. "Even when I was sure I didn't anymore, I never stopped. I just got really good at lying to myself."

"I'm good at that too. I've been doing it for a long time." Blair sobbed as something new started to flow through her, and suddenly she felt light and giddy and she smiled at Dan. It was relief. Freedom. All those years of being tied down by her mistakes and she was free.

"That's why I left Serena. Because I couldn't stay with her when it was a lie. Once I realized that I didn't love her, all it did was eat me up inside. I figured that I would probably be alone for the rest of my life, because if I couldn't make it work with Serena, with how much she loved me, if that still wasn't enough, then nothing would ever be. No one would ever be. But now…."

He leaned forward and kissed her again and Blair wound her arms around his neck and let her fingers tangle in his hair.

"Dan?" Blair whispered against his lips.

"Mmmmm…" he answered, kissing her again.

"Take me upstairs."

She really was finally home.

fin


End file.
